Before I explain...

Hello.

Yesterday something unexpected happened. I'll try to use mild terms because people say I'm overreacting. Yet again, I am shocked by the lack of emotional empathy some people have. They keep saying "Think happy thoughts!" or "Stay positive!" or "Look on the bright side!"

What bright side? 

Most bad situations have a silver lining but this is definitely not one of them. I am usually optimistic but I can't see how any good can come from this. 

Sorry for being vague and maybe a bit over dramatic. I don't know how to write this down without calling anyone a bitch, typing in ALL CAPS, worrying anyone or lying. Words come so easily to me but now I feel like someone's jammed the passage from my brain to my fingertips. 

I'll try to be as frank as possible- Uranium doesn't want to be friends anymore. I found out on Friday (yesterday). I knew something was up since Thursday but I wasn't sure so I asked Plutonium if Uranium still liked me. On Friday it was confirmed. I held it in until later that day. I met Plutonium later that day and- oh shit my eyes are being retarded as I write this- found out the reasons for her wanting to discontinue our friendship of two years. To put it mildly- I was shocked. And I really want to write down what I really feel now but Plutonium said I was being over-dramatic about this. Easy for her to say. Overnight, I'd lost the person I'd confided my entire life with, all my stupid crushes, all my fears, all my dreams. My best friend. And now the person I trusted the most is gone. 

The reason why she doesn't like me anymore is because my hair looks weird "like I don't know what to do with it and it's always greasy" and because my sense of humour is immature. We laugh at exactly the same things, what the hell? 

When an empty can of coke is heated up then plunged into cold water it implodes because the change in air pressure is too much for it to handle. I think that's what happened with me because I turned up to geography- our next class- in tears. It was beyond embarrassing and I wanted to disappear. Everyone was looking at me. Lots of people asked if I was okay. I said I was fine. I wanted to shout "I don't want your false sympathy, leave me alone." They asked me what was wrong. I said nothing. I'd never tell them. Even though I felt so betrayed, I'd have never told them. 

We watched a documentary about Mexicans trying to cross the border which put things into perspective. It didn't make me feel better- it anything it made me feel worse- but it was a distraction. 

When I got home I sent her a long text message (that I'd previously drafted and proof-read several times). It wasn't an angry text- I wasn't angry at that point. The worst thing I called her was superficial which is somewhat true. Lately, all she's been talking about is "aesthetics". She's said it so much that I think she's forgotten what it means. Aesthetic is a fancy word for how something looks. If my hair isn't aesthetically pleasing then fine but I don't think that's a reason to do this. The text mainly expressed how confused I was. I asked some questions and defended myself against the things she'd said about me- if I was immature then I wouldn't care about science and politics. 

If I was immature then I'd spam instagram with pouting selfies captioned with a stolen quote or ten nonsensical emojis. If I was immature then I'd run around spanking people with a blue translucent ruler. If I was immature then I'd throw food around and laugh at squashed grapes. *those are examples of things people in our class do and some of them are even her friends* 

The 5 stages of grief is BS. 

When I first found out about it I was in denial, then I was in depression and after depression I was in anger and now I'm denial, anger and depression. 

I don't feel like Radium anymore. When I gave me, Uranium and Plutonium our aliases for this blog I chose them for a reason- they are three highly reactive, highly unstable elements. Radium, Uranium and Plutonium. They seemed to fit together almost perfectly. Not as well as Uranium, Plutonium and Neptunium would have but I didn't want to be one of a perfect trio- I wanted some individuality.

When atoms are split apart they emit huge amounts of dangerous energy. I'm falling apart but I don't feel dangerous- I feel stupid, hurt, weak, isolated, alone, inconvenient... 

I'm not alone. I have my other best friend- Lithium. I have Iodine and Barium. They wouldn't do something like this. Or is it me? If the person I trusted most actually thinks that of me then am I just a dislikable person?

Ugh, I feel shit.
-Radium