Cut Off

Hello.

I haven't posted in ages- sorry. 

So, we got some of our exam results back... I got 95% in English (I calculated the percentages from the marks I got in the essay as the the grading system won't make sense to everyone) and 80% in science! I'm actually really pleased. We've been having exams in other subjects too- I got highest in our class for computing and 100% in music. Haven't got maths back yet... (although I'm dreading it).

***

It was Lithium's birthday on the weekend. Lithium, Barium, Iodine and I went to see a film. The film wasn't very good. We had pizza and overdosed on sugar. I felt like we were 9 or 10 again.

Whenever we spent the night at Lithium's, we sleep in the caravan as her bedroom is small-ish and probably couldn't hold four energetic people.

We put on Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.I cried two times. Lithium hugged me.

Lithium and Barium went to sleep early so me and Iodine turned off the lights, lit some candles (ok, they were fake tealights) and played with an Ouija board that we had made earlier. Nothing happened but Iodine got a bit freaked out so she shouted for Barium to turn the lights on. Lithium woke up too. Now we were all awake, Iodine suggested we play "The Stimulation Game" which isn't as dirty as it sounds.

How to play The Stimulation Game:

One player (Iodine) has a water bottle.

Their objective is to get the other players as wet as possible.

The lights must be off. 

The lights can be turned on at any time for a period of 5 seconds. 

This game is not suitable for people with photosensitive epilepsy. 

It's fun but it really messes with your orientation. 

When the game ended tiredness hit me and I started acting funny. Of course, I didn't realise I was tired, I thought someone had drugged my popcorn or something because I felt like I was cut off from the rest of the world- there was a funny delay between people saying stuff and me realising what they had said. I also began slurring my speech and not being able to move properly. This freaked me out. 

I'm not scared of many things. Ghosts and demons and witches don't scare me. I'm not scared of planes or boats or roller-coasters because I'm a very logical person and I know the odds of me dying on a rollercoaster or on a plane are extremely low, even with terrorism.

I think this is why that scared me so much: my mind is my best defence against fear but when something starts to mess with my head... oh, shit... I think that's why I'm pretty susceptible to panic attacks because the thing I fear most is the feeling of fear. When one single drop of fear-water drips through a crevice on the outside of my mind an entire ocean of fear will follow. (Mmmm, sexy extended metaphor)

I felt like I was viewing the world through a screen or from behind glass and no one could hear me. Eventually, when I could string a sentence together I started talking about the first thing that came to my mind. Words poured from my mouth- they came so easily. It was a strange memory of me and my dad- the time I had to put him to bed because he'd taken a sleeping pill. Of course, I didn't know this at the time- I thought he was having a stroke or something because  was unable to speak clearly and process what I was saying. He started talking about death which scared me as he was already very ill. I was scared and I didn't know what to do so I took the cigarette out of his mouth and the beer out of his hand then put him to bed. He didn't go quietly for someone who looked half dead but he complied eventually. The next morning he told me that he had taken a sleeping pill and I was relieved but I'll never be able to forget how afraid I was in that moment. 

Then I slept, listening to the calm voices of Iodine, Barium and Lithium and thought that if I died in that moment then I'd be glad to be with them, It was a strange thought. I slept for about an hour and the fog had lifted from my brain slightly. My voice was still slurred but I could make out what my friends were saying which was good. 

It's late now and I have to get up at 6am tomorrow because I'm going on a school trip to France. I'll be staying there for six days so I won't be posting but expect a very long post when I get back. Okay, bye.

-Radium x